When You Don't Know How to Let Go

Recently I got an email from a client.  She was pretty frustrated and wanted my advice. I lack the skill of paraphrasing so this is what she said:

"...I need your help with trying to explain to us that it is normal to purge with stuff & move on. Especially with clothes. Do you have a statistic or something you have done on research that shows how once you have used something it is best to get rid of it after some time?"

I was able to cull upon my experience with clients, and all the organizing books I've read, and probably a few things I've been wanting to say to a few clients but they were either unprepared to hear or not ready to receive.  She was ready.  After I hit send, I thought to myself..."Either she's going to think this is bunch of bologna or she's going to take what I say and make a powerful shift."

I'm not one to brag but after reading my email I got two emails from her, an email and a text from her husband...it was all good!  In fact I quote her: "Wow Andrea, this was the more informative email I have gotten & exactly what I needed. Thank you, Thank you, thank you." Music to my eyes (it was an email, so...).  It was most delightful that what I said resonated with her and hopefully she got it and it will begin a journey of not being chained to the weight of things, keeping them, letting them overflow in her life and essentially being stuck in a web of wanting to change but not knowing how.

Here's what I wrote:

Hi _______,

I'm doing well thanks I hope you both are doing well.  This is very deep subject.  One that you might want to sit down for. :)

One of the best ways to analyze how to purge anything is to start with not the stuff but come to a consensus of what you do want, not what you don't.

What I mean by that is:  Often holding on to things is more than just "the stuff."  It's because it makes you feel important, or you think if you let it go it will erase your memories or you think by getting rid of it, it devalues the item or the person who gave it to you.... or that discarding it will even devalue you. By creating the vision for what you want,  you can navigate better through the stickiness of discarding stuff.  You can recognize it's value but realize it no longer fits into what you want for your space or your life.

Try these two things:

1. Create a mind map title it: "Our House" each branch from that will signify a room. Try to describe the room, it's functions for you personally, what activities you'd like to do in the room, how you'd like to feel in that room/space,  WHO (not what) belongs in the room, etc. without putting any STUFF, no furniture, no clothing, on the map it's okay to THINK about the room having furniture but for this exercise don't write it down, just write down the feelings you'd like to feel that YOUR organized room will evoke.

2. Go through each room and as you decide what to keep and what not to keep, ask yourself is it USEFUL (can you wear it, does it function) and does it "spark joy" [a phrase used in the KonMari Method of organizing].

And just to make it clear, here is the definition of joy: 
a feeling of great pleasure and happiness.
"tears of joy"
synonyms: delight, great pleasure, joyfulness, jubilation, triumph, exultation, rejoicing, happiness, gladness, glee, exhilaration, exuberance, elation, euphoria, bliss, ecstasy;

If you pick up an item and you say "meh".  Guest what? It's not sparking joy. :)

If you get stuck then reference your mind map.  For example, if you are in your closet and your mind map has the word COMFORTABLE on it and you hold in your hand a dress that's too small, doesn't fit right, or doesn't fit your style then it's not comfortable, so it has to go.  It doesn't matter how much you paid for it (you can consign it), it doesn't matter who gave it to you (unless you're going to frame it or make a quilt out of it), it goes.  Be ruthless!  

By the end of this exercise, you will have a room or rooms that you enjoy being in.  There will be nothing that isn't useful or doesn't spark joy and only things in your room that fit what you described the room to be.

If that doesn't help, ask yourself why am I not allowing myself to let this go?  Then write down why: is it fear? is it sadness? is it anger?  Come face to face with the emotions.  Statistics won't help, logic sometimes won't help.  Why we buy is almost always an emotional decision, letting go of items is almost always an emotional one too.  The reasons why we buy and the stuff we hold on to, is often a deeply personal and psychological journey which is often why we avoid it.

If you need a more logical examination to help you let go, think of it this way: Remember that when you paid for it and you used it, you got your value out of it.  Say if you bought an umbrella you paid $30 and you used it 20 times you paid $1.50 each time to keep the rain from falling on your head.  I think a wise investment, and most of us use an umbrella more than 20 times.  But if you now have 10 umbrellas they start to diminish in value because they go unused and are also taking up space for things that could be more useful or spark joy. Giving/donating/selling the not useful umbrellas to someone who actually needs an umbrella will make them valuable again.  Does that make sense?

Here is a book you should check out: Peter Walsh, Its All Too Much: An Easy Plan for Living a Richer Life with Less Stuff 

So hopefully this conversation was helpful for you too.  It's not an easy road but when you come at it from the positive of what you want, when you let go it's leaving space for the things in life that really and truly make you happy.

Andrea Hancock is a professional organizer, blogger, and speaker that assists and empowers busy professionals and business owners create and maintain organizational systems that work for them personally.  Andrea is also founder of Dexterous Organizing, a results-oriented professional organizing company.  To receive free productivity and organizing tools, or to venture into a more organized home, office, and life, click "I'm ready to get started!" at www.DexterousOrganizing.com or by phone at (703) 606-8968.

Don't Believe the Hype!

If I were to tell you that I were a doctor, what are some automatic things you'd think about me? Smart, articulate, makes a lot of money, healer, knowledgeable, are a few adjectives that come to mind for me. Now for a moment let me be more specific. If I said I was a neurosurgeon or if I said I was a veterinarian you get two vastly different pictures right? What is my point? The possibilities are endless and depending on your experience or lack of experience (say what you've seen on television of these professions) you have a mold of what these professions do, what type of people choose to be in this profession, and the qualities they possess.

I say that I'm a professional organizer. This industry is relatively new and for now the majority of the population who has any idea of what an Organizer is gets their ideas from television. Some are a little off "So you're like Nicey Nash right?" Um, no. I love Nicey Nash as an Entertainer and Host of the show but she is not an Organizer, she is a celebrity of a show who helps people de-clutter and facilitates a team of professionals (one who happens to be a Professional Organizer) and the home owner. She does a little of what an Organizer does by helping the home owner make decisions about what to keep and what to sell all with hilarity and pizazz. Then some people are much closer to what and Organizer is: "I love Peter Walsh." So do I. He is actually an Organizing Expert that helps people think about their stuff in a different way and then gives them the mental and physical steps to over-come clutter and organize their spaces. Yes, although he probably doesn't like the label, he is a Professional Organizer. So there are different pictures in our heads and in the heads of others (particularly our clients) that we have to address as to who we are as people and what we do as a profession.

When I first decided to pursue a career of a Professional Organizer, I too was under the "stereotype hype" of what an Organizer is. I thought this person was Mary Poppins and Martha Stewart's love child and everywhere he or she went the world was a little tidier with a throw pillow and a vase of peonies left in their wake of song and dance until it was time for them to fly off with open umbrella to the next appointment. With that idea, the pressure was immense. And although I love being organized and some of my friends think I am very organized - yes I like to straighten up my hotel room before I leave for the day as part inventory and part anal retentive. I drool while at The Container Store and could stare at pictures of organized spaces with dreaminess, but I also didn't come out the womb organizing my stuffed animals by type and color. As a child my room was messy on many an occasion and I kept things that I should have thrown away (like a Dixie cup of full of my baby teeth). I joined NAPO (National Association of Professional Organizers) and stood in a room full of veteran Organizers and thought they were organizing giants. I thought about their years of experience and techniques and my messy childhood turned organizing fan and I felt like a fraud.
I recently read Organizing from the Right Side of the Brain by Lee Sibler. I suddenly had an ah-ha moment.

I'm a right-brain thinker who has some of the traits Sibler lists. I wear my B Dexterous signature tee-shirts and they say "I love organizing" and trust me the shirts don't lie. I do love organizing. I love organizing because I hate the alternative. Sure I can leave a space messy for a short while but after I spend 10 minutes looking for something my other right-brain characteristic – impatience comes to the fore and I get anxious, angry and moody (moody being another right-brain characteristic Sibler lists). I love organizing because it brings calm and cohesiveness to my world and helps me feel like I'm accomplishing my goals and not spinning my wheels. Sibler states about the creative right-brainer who stays organized: "There are wanna-be creatives, and then there are the truly creatives. The wanna-bes are people who have very low attention spans and are all over the place. They can come up with all kinds of truly wonderful ideas but rarely follow through on them. The second type of people are also extremely creative, but as it happens they are extremely disciplined as well. It's a most remarkable combination." I follow through. I love being creative and seeing a project from start to finish. I am a right-brained-creative-organizer.

I didn't fit into my own "stereotype hype" of what an Organizer is. I didn't come out of the womb with a file folder and a label-maker. But I love leaving a space organized so that my clients can feel calm and cohesive in their space. If they feel like they have to doodle for 30 minutes before they figure out how to organize, that's okay. If they want to pile instead of file, if it works go for it! Organizing is about creating a system that works for each individual. Being able to find the things you need and want without being anxious, angry and moody. Yes to create, you have to be creative. But being creative doesn't mean being disorganized. I actually DO think Mary Poppins and Martha Stewart's love child would make a great organizer. A song, a dance, a lesson on potting your perennials while your unkempt office, living room, and kitchen all put themselves neatly away. But that's a stereotype that no longer causes me angst. I say that I'm a professional organizer. I'm not a left-brain run-of-the-mill organizer stereotype and I think I I'm wonderful the way I am. Thanks Lee.

Andrea Hancock is a professional organizer, blogger, and speaker that assists and empowers busy professionals and business owners create and maintain organizational systems that work for them personally.  Andrea is also founder of Dexterous Organizing, a results-oriented professional organizing company.  To receive free productivity and organizing tools, or to venture into a more organized home, office, and life, click "I'm ready to get started!" at www.DexterousOrganizing.com or by phone at (703) 606-8968.